I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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