i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
