mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
