I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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