I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he thought i was a dude.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
