youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
