I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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