her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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