I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
