Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
