I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My liver just had a heart attack.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
