Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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