Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
as a side note pls kill me
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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