Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
