I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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