so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
