my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You left your phone here
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