Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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