everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There's always time for handjobs
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
