im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
