....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
