You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
