If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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