I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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