oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
