I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
