We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
