need another drink. this is the easiest way
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
