explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
