My sheets look like a crime scene.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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