I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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