Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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