I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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