My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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