A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
