get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
