Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I need to calm my uterus...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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