nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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