I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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