Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
