chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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