I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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