this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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