Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
