I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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