I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
