its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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