fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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