Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
