I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
