Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
