yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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